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Dealing with criticism

By: Clive Simpkins, Fri Dec 9th, 2005 05:31:40 PM

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Being able effectively to deal with criticism is a sign of emotional intelligence and maturity. The single most common effect of criticism is that it easily and negatively impacts on the sense of self worth of many an individual. If you’ve given specific people, or people in general, “permission” to hold sway over your sense of self-esteem, you’re vulnerable to criticism and damage.

Self-esteem is the value we, in our private thoughts, place on ourselves. You may perceive yourself as a competent, worthy person, or you might consider yourself to be unattractive, without special merit, inferior or the like. The range of choices is wide. What makes this interesting territory, is that we choose whether our self-worth is internally developed, maintained and championed or whether it lies in the public domain, at the mercy of the vested interests or distorted personal agendas of others.

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There’s a relevant story told from the life of the Buddha. It is said that a man began abusing him. The Buddha didn’t respond. This made the man even angrier. Eventually he raged, “How can you remain so tranquil when I abuse you so?” The Buddha looked at him calmly and said, “If you offered me a plate of food, and I refused to accept the plate, the food remains yours.” The same principle applies to criticism.

“Criticisers” – if I may coin a word – are usually unhappy, unbalanced people. Generally trying to make themselves stand taller by tottering on the cadavers of those they crush underfoot. They’re often incapable, ever, of seeing the potential or the upside of a situation or idea. To quote thinker and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Taking to pieces is the trade of those who cannot construct.” That’s them.

Criticism is commonly the consequence of inappropriate competitiveness or jealousy. Jealousy is the direct product of a sense of inferiority. Inferiority is the outcome of a poor self-esteem. So, it’s a vicious cycle. Criticisers don’t realise that each time they illegitimately attack someone or something, they’re actually revealing and further undermining their own impoverished sense of self-worth.

How should we respond to criticism? I use a simple evaluation mechanism in my own life. If the criticism consistently comes from just one person, I ignore it. They need to be in a hospital ward marked “Self-esteem repair unit.” If the criticisms and observations come from a variety of sources in different circumstances, the chances are that they’re valid. I take them seriously and have, over the years, changed many things that I do or say, as a consequence.

If you’re a pioneer in any shape or form, ahead of your time in thinking or innovation terms, you’ll be attacked. Swami Vivekananda referred to the three phases through which new ideas have to pass: Rejection, ridicule and then acceptance. Understanding this makes it easier to handle the lack of receptivity or criticism you’ll encounter from some quarters.

If you allow the criticiser’s words to have a negative impact on you, you’re giving her or him permission to manage your self-esteem on your behalf. Considering they’re not doing too good a job in their own self-worth department, this doesn’t make sense! Listen to what they say or write and ask yourself, “Does this have some merit?” If it hasn’t – move on. I find it helpful to send loving thoughts or prayers in the direction of such people. This prevents you getting caught up in their loop of polluted thinking and enmity. Remember that “bad” behaviour is a symptom of physical, emotional or psychological pain. They’re in pain - don’t add to it – but also, don’t collude with it.

Criticism can be a useful self-management barometer. Listening to what people say, and engaging in a bit of introspection, is an effective way to keep your ego in check. There’s a fine line between being dismissive of the views of other people and being affected by everything they have to say. Finding and maintaining an objective, dispassionate balance, is the key.

Teaching children discernment in the face of criticism is a healthy early-life lesson. Quite frequently, our most damaging self-esteem messages are embedded in our formative years. They may be related, as were mine, to impoverished financial circumstances, obesity and a lack of athleticism. Being able to review past messages and press the “delete” button is an important self-esteem and mental health skill. Make sure you remain in charge of it.

About the author: Clive is a marketing and communications strategist. He helps people and organizations make sustainable change. http://www.imbizo.com