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By: Don Roble, Fri Dec 9th, 2005 09:43:55 PM

He isn't invited to people's homes anymore. He has been banned by most of the restaurants and bars. Two local churches excommunicated him. His own parents threw him out, telling him not to pass this way again.

July 4th is big doins here like other places. Over at Patriots Point there is an all day celebration. The point is a naval museum on the Wando River leading to the harbor. One of the things it has is an aircraft carrier. The finale is shooting fireworks from the flight deck. That's where this is headed.

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Fart George stood on the end of the deck. He had thousands of sparklers attached to him. As the last fireworks faded into the night, George lit up. It was a spectacular sight. Then Fart George cut loose a tremendous fart. It sounded like a sonic boom. Down the flight deck he went. What a sight! He hit the end of the deck and went up like a bird. Fart George wasn't a bird though. He soon enough ended up in the river. The Coast Guard was called in.

The Coast Guard was finishing up a bad day. July 4th was the day every once a year sailor went out on his boat. After a case of Ice House he was in trouble. Call the Coast Guard! So, they weren't in a good mood when they got the distress signal about Fart George. They didn't have any trouble finding him. They noticed a little odor as they approached him but put it down to swamp gas. They were half right.

George was keeping afloat by blowing bubble farts. It was enough to provide some buoyancy but not be offensive, except to the fish, who were dying right and left. It was like being in a whirlpool, if the pool was also an outhouse.

The Coasties yanked him out of the water and started yelling at him. Not just the officers, the enlisted men too. Fart George took so much and then let out a tremendous fart. It sounded like a cannon going off. It was so powerful that it loosened some of the rivets and peeled the paint from the deck. The cutter started to sink. The coasties abandoned ship, except for the Captain. No, he was going down with her. His career was over. The river isn't that deep there so he didn't even get his feet wet.

George was charged with destruction of government property. The captain wanted him hanged from a yardarm while being shot. The jury found him guilty and the judge was prepared to send George away for awhile. As Fart George stood to hear his sentence he smiled. The prosecutor grimaced and went to the bench to have a sidebar with the judge. The judge looked at George, looked at the door, looked at George again. No, he'd never make it. He gave Fart George one day and suspended that.

As Fart George was leaving the courtroom, he passed by the captain and passed gas. Just a series of quiet little ones. Just enough to tarnish the captain's brass.

About the author: Writes dizzyDragon.com. All clean but sometimes a little odd.